The Money-Pig Lesson

Overheard at Anchorage coffee-shop. Three friends, two were apparently trying to school the third on how not to follow in their ill-fated footsteps in regards to job competition. Written from memory and artistic license taken. Enjoy, cuz I sure did...

Welcome, Friends

Did he really tell them 'Get the fuck out of Alaska'?

He did.

Just pretending to speak their language, so they would feel comfortable enough to hire him. Thinking they were in good hands.

What a pitch. Quite the salesman.

You might think he was full of shit, but he was simply giving them a snow-job.

Right up to the trendy non-prescription glasses.

He even knew when to throw in some humility: 'Now, that I can't help you with.'

After he let them know how helpful he could be ... Wow. He's so honest. Our guy.

And he was ... Their guy

Hey Guy

That's right, you.

She let him have it with that one. The way she said 'guy'.

Meant 'that's not cool' ... You are not cool.

I was working that angle before you even knew they were in town. I gave them your name for fuck's sake!

Fucker. Show some real humility. Not 'no, I don't need a coffee' humility.

And don't you dare flirt with me. You're a disgusting pig and you fart falseys.

After The Ball

The truth hangs around long after the dance.

She saw him for what he was when everyone else was sweet on him, drunk from spiked punch.

Now it's plain to see.

Except it doesn't matter. He's been paid. They got their money's worth. She's left holding a bag of 'what really happened'

If anyone cares to look.

Sour grapes, they might say.

So she swallows her humiliation and anger, hoping she can digest it and not carry it around inside her.

Can You Believe Those Pansy Jerkwads

Fleeced 'em.

You should have fleeced them as well. Get on board, boy. You're not doing yourself, or us, any favors trying to be their friend.

They ain't you're friend. You're a novelty to them, so sell them the novelty. Up the ass.

You are so full of shit. You're of no real help at all. They're going to nod, and jump, and slap your back, and look like fools in the process.

And then they will be gone, and I will be paid.

Get the fuck out of Alaska?

Damn straight. And stay out. And when their friends come up to get some we will treat them as the wide-eyed gapers they are. Guide them through the pitfalls of this magic foreign land.

You are a truck load of bad juju. For them, you, and all the rest of us.

I'm paid motherfucker.

You'll get yours

Uh-huh.

And Here Comes The Bus

Get on board motherfucker, ain't time to waste. You want to come peacefully, or do we need to cattleprod your ass onto this bus?

Now sit and shut and and we'll explain what's happening over the next couple days -- Bathroom in the rear, make sure to pump the tank or it gets ripe for all of us.

The money-pig is here.

Ain't nothing else to it.

See?

We're breaking this bank open before it rolls on somewhere else.

You follow?

Gold rush

And we're selling shovels.

Trickle out, not down

Also trickles in ... to well-positioned pockets.

All about money

Hey. If money can change how a person votes, it most definitely can change the comfort of your mattress.

Competition

Is always tough.

You're always being sized up.

If you catch yourself stewing over some minor foul, heads up. You're already on the tracks and chances are you're about to be railroaded.

Friends, turned enemies, will be friends again. So watch out.

Surf outside waters only when prepared. And at peril.

Oh, and...

Never strike in anger.